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Such a fragile heart for a big girl [entries|friends|calendar]


1. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
2. Running With Scissors
3. Killing Yourself To Live
4. Fear and Loathing
5. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs


1. Modest Mouse
2. Regina Spektor
3. Blink-182
4. M. Ward
5. Lil Wayne

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[31 Dec 2007|05:13pm]
oh yeah, and fuck you, 2007. You started with mistakes and ended with fucking wretched heartache. I'm drinking you away into 2008. 8 is my lucky number. Maybe this is a sign.
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Karma is a bitch, even after 2 years [31 Dec 2007|05:08pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

Now I know how Tyler felt.

I'm sorry.

I wouldn't wish this feeling/situation upon anyone.

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you forgot it in people [22 May 2007|02:08pm]
[ mood | scared ]

used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that.

miss madonna won't you give me a kiss?

(i can't stop thinking about you)

things are really hard. i'm trying to change, and i'm changing some without trying too.

(i love being vague)

i think i've made a lot of bad decisions in the past few months that i thought would be good, but now are driving me insane.

i think i'll go shower now. my hair is really scary right now.

on a happier note, however, i'm going to asheville in a week to see the faint. should be an awesome time... but not looking forward to spending $60 on gas.

fuck. rent is due in 2 weeks, and i'm sure our bills will come soon. goddammit. who told me i could do this? oh that's right. everyone said i couldn't, so i had to prove them wrong. hmph. we see where that go me. working 2 25-hour-a-week jobs and overdrafting my accounts.

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[09 May 2007|02:31pm]
This is pathetic. I'm pathetic.

I have one more chance and then it's over.

Thin ice.

God fucking dammit.

Glad we signed a 15 month lease...
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Losing the calling that you've been faking, and I'm not kidding [16 Oct 2006|06:22pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Up down up down up down.
This morning I was super excited.
And in 15 seconds, super pissed/sad/letdown.
Then I was a little happier... from naptime and through advice night in the dorm.
Now I'm feeling sad again.

So much reading I have to do between now and Wednesday morning.
And I need to make an appointment for the Health Center ASAP to see about this weird lump thing that just popped up a few days ago, which is really freaking me out.

And for now I have to go to Bio Lab, which is SO BORING AND LONG.

Then maybe I'll get something to eat?
We'll see.

3 comments|post comment

To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think real [01 Oct 2006|05:33pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

Wonderful fucking weekend (for the most part).
Friday I went into Winston, and picked up Christine. Went to Goodwill for Halloween costume stuff. I found a Glassjaw t-shirt there for Jeff, which he loves. Mad awesome girlfriend points for me. Got dinner and went to Party City. Yet another awkward incident.

Random stocky bad haircut sceneyboppper: Hey.. hey. *walks closer as I try to ignore her* Hey!
Me: *turns around* Yeah?
Girl: Hey do you date Jeff Chandler?
Me: *thinks it's a friend of his psycho ex... waits..* "uhh yeah.."
Girl: I thought so! I used to date his brother! I saw your display picture on myspace. Just wanted to say you make a cute couple.
Me: Uhh thanks..

I swear if I get the myspace bomb dropped on me one more time.

Let's see... hung out with Jeff's friends for a while, took Christine home, went to Waffle House with his friends, then passed out in his friends chair and went back to Josh's.

Saturday.. woke up and ate lunch, and picked up Jessika and Zach from her mom's work. Went to buy halloween shit. Get back in the car and turn the ignition. What happens? *siighhh* Fucking battery. So I'm like boxed in my vacant cars, and no one looks like they'd want to help. So Jeff gets out there about 40 minutes later. After 20 minutes of trying, we give up, and take the goddamned battery and warranty papers to Sears. After another FUCKING hour of them "testing" the battery, they conclude that it is, indeed, dead as hell. Hmm coulda told them that. Spend $70 on a new one, leave angrily, proceed to Vickie's to buy panties and feel better. The 4 of us get dinner at Ishi, and then head out to the fair, to be even more fatties. My photography didn't win anything. Motherfuckers. But, in conclusion, I ate fudge, cuddled lambs, ate onion rings and curly fries, played the water squirting game and won a Sonic the Hedgehog, rode the Ferris Wheel, and ate a Caramel Apple. Soo pretty much best fair ever, aside from not winning anything in photography. Then we went back to Josh and Becky's and watched some CSI with them, because we're dorks.

You do something to me.Collapse )

3 comments|post comment

Just leave me your stardust [28 Sep 2006|09:56pm]
[ mood | calm ]

The weather has been absolutely amazing lately, until tonight when the friggin crazy storm popped up out of nowhere, in which case I hurt my lower back trying to crouch and run, and got glass or something in my foot because I was running barefoot. (The flipflops were not cuttin' it.)

I'm in one of my self-discovery/go-go-go phases again, where I want to think about my life plan and take up all my hobbies again. When I got out of class today, I put on Jeff's old football jersey (that I stole, which fits me perfectly) and did the dishes! Me? Domestic!? NO WAY! I went shopping and got some Indie brand jeans, a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie. Now I just taught myself a song on guitar, and can sing along without getting off rhythm. Wooord to me.

I'm starting to get more and more exciting about the career of a psychiatrist. I love learnig all the new things in class, and thinking about making lots of money helping people help themselves, without using medication to cover it up. And then when I'm tired of that, I'll open up the ol' outsider art gallery, and publish my book. And make lots of babies with Jeff. I mean what?


FAIR IS SATURDAY! I'M SO EXCITED! I pretty much have every Saturday booked for over the next month or so. Let's see....
September 30 - Macbeth and FAIIIIRRR!
October 6 - William and Mary to visit Patriiiick
October 14 - Beach with Jeff
October 21 - Outrun the Storm show at Creations
October 28 - Haunted House/Halloween Party hoping (as Tinkerslut and Peter Pan)
November 4 - Dad's parents come to visit...
November 10 (it's a Friday, but whatev.) - Outrun the Storm show at the Soundvent

Tomorrow I'm going job hunting again, and luckily my availability isn't for Saturday's or I'd be screwed.

I enjoy grossing out the world.Collapse )

3 comments|post comment

Will you meet me down on the sandy beach? [26 Sep 2006|12:23am]
[ mood | tired ]

So indeed, Andy and I woke up early as balls on Saturday and drove to Wrightsville Beach/Wilmington for the day. We get into Wrightsville and it's raining :(. But we go get veggie hotdogs at the Trolly Stop, and run into Quinn, randomly. The sun comes out so we lay out a while. Go to Quinn's apartment and shower, and hang out with him for a while. Then we head to Paddy's for dinner, and walk around downtown Wilmington for a bit. Coldstone for dessert, and head back home. Some funny ass fucking quotes from the day/night:

*Andy giggling hysterically to himself in Coldstone*
Andy: I just had to tell the demons in my head to shut the hell up. I asked for a Love It sized ice cream, but I really wanted to ask for a Gotta Have It blowjob.

*driving down 40, spotting one of the several J&R billboards, reading it aloud*
Me: Brassieres to Chandellieres!!!
Andy: ...Say that one more time and it's my dick in your mouth.

*pulling in the Super Sheetz in Meb-AYN (Mebane)*
Andy: I'm gonna get some fucking jelly beans, and some fucking coffee, and then I'm going back to Wake to get a FUCKING blowjob.

*while pulling up to the gas pump, and the radar going off*
Me: Man, everybody decided to come here at once.... even the Po-Po. Why the fuck are they here.
Andy: Same reason cops are anywhere: to arrest black people.

*Andy gulping down large coffee with an extra expresso shot outside Sheetz*
Me: Are you almost done with your crack?
Andy: Yes, and when I'm done, we'll go as far are Sheetz in Greensboro and I'll deposit the remains through my urithera into the toilet.
Me: Ya know, you coulda just said 'piss' and I'd understand.
Andy: It's a gift to speak with this eloquence.

Andy: I need this... ok. I need this like the desert needs the rain.

Andy: Let's see how many times I can drop the fuckin' f-bomb in one sentence.

Yep, we're special.Collapse )

2 comments|post comment

We don't need anything or anyone [24 Sep 2006|11:42am]
[ mood | dirty ]

Life is pretty awesome right now, aside from hacking up phlem and nastiness... and Josh's cat Normar like humping my leg...

Friday I spent the day with Jeff, and it was wonderfuuullll. We had lunch, laid around, went to see my family, ate dinner, saw The Last Kiss, and then went to his friends birthday party/bonfire type deal. He also showed me where he grew up, which was cool.

Yesterday I got up at 8, and I Andy and I went to the beach for the day. I'll post more on that later... my computer is dying, and I gotta get the hell out of Josh's house before the cat's rape me and there's no one here to hear my screams.

(Aww, Evey, Josh's wittle cute pitbull puppy apparently chewed up my toothbrush while I was at the beach, and Becky went and bought me a new one. Haha aw.)

I need a shower. I have dreaded nasty beach hair.

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and not even the black sky could hold my head [14 Sep 2006|11:13pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

"in the rain, sing a song, in your head...so secret life, in your eyes, it's alright....so be surprised, by lullabies, that keep us in line, tonight."
-Aaron Palmer, The Appleseed Cast

I borrowed this book from Jessika called Revolution On Canvas, and its poetry and art from "the indie music scene", aka alternative rock band members. It has some really good work in it. Check it out.

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I'll be in the air [14 Sep 2006|12:39pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I hate that I go from my hopeful entry last night, to a 'bleh' one this morning.

It all started when I was awoken 2.5 hours prematurely this morning by FIRE ALARMS! They were false, because our alarms are fucked up apparently, and stopped after about 10 seconds. But enough to have me standing in the doorway in my underwear with my roommate, looking rather flustered. And just as I started to fall back asleep... ANOTHER! GAH. and another one after that too. Jumping up and having my heartbeat spike I'm sure isn't helping my sickness, or whatever my body is deciding to torment me with this week.

And so here comes the early onset of my Seasonal Affective Disorder. After my first class, upon heading up the stairs, I started feeling sad. (I also smelled coffee brewing from the office, and it was mixed with some other scent that made me think of home; of the happy aspects before everything went to hell. It made me think of middle school, waking up early and smelling coffee brewing in the kitchen, and the feeling in my body of getting up at 7AM. I suppose it was also brought on by my waking up for the firealrm at 8.) I get back to the room, and Belinda is in here with all the lights out and the blinds still closed. She's gone to class now and it's still dark. And I poked around myspace for a bit, and now I'm real sad, dwelling too much on the past and events and situations I no longer have control of. In class I also started thinking about my grandparents again. I called my mom at like 8:30 while I was up to see if she and my grandma would come out here to have lunch with me today since I don't have time or gas to come home with weekend, but she said they couldn't, for various reasons, mostly because my grandma doesn't want to leave the house. That got me down as well.

Ok, I'm going to open the fucking blinds before I go crazy, and then grab some pizza.

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It's delicate [14 Sep 2006|12:37am]
[ mood | sore ]

Ya know what sucks real bad? Fire drills in my dorm at 9pm on a night like tonight. 63 degrees and pouring rain. SO WET AND COLD, without an umbrella! AAHHH!

I haven't been really thinking about much lately, which I supposed could be good for the time being. But in the long run everythings going to come tumbling down. I'm spending far more than my budget, not studying as much as I should, and not seeing my friends like I should. I need to write. I need to take pictures. I need to paint. I need to dance. One sunny, warm day, I want to go to my classes barefoot. (well, aside from the ones in my dorm where I already do so...) I want to wear my long gypsy skirt, and paint my feet with pretty designs, and go to class without shoes. It seems like fun, until I step on glass and get AIDS or something, since AIDS likes to chill on broken glass and all.

I need to spend some time with my family also. Whenever I go home for a night, I'm barely at the house. And I haven't seen my grandma in about 2 weeks. Ever since my grandpa passed away in May, I feel guilty for not seeing them as much as I should. I make it a point to call her at least twice a week though, just to check in and see how she's doing, and let her know I'm OK and safe, so that she doesn't worry herself to death. I'm really close to her, and seeing how I still get upset and randomly cry over my grandpa sometimes, 4 months later, I'm scared to think of anything happening to her.

I need to also stick to my diet/exercise more. As in, don't pig out on junk food right after going to the gym. I put in a decent workout though when I go. I went Monday and today, and I'm sore. If I just keep with it, I'll stop being sore and it'll be WONDERFUL. Heh. Before it gets cold, I need to ride my damn bike. I haven't done that yet this year. Booo on me. I need a riding buddy!

Ooo, I think I just figured out what I'm going to make Andy M. for his birthday. Heh. YES.

I want to spin and dance and laugh and scream and twirl and sing and fall and smile and cuddle and kiss and love and LIVE.

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[12 Sep 2006|08:56pm]
[ mood | angry ]

A guy friend of my mine got mugged on his way to his car tonight on campus. Everyone be careful, and try to go places in pairs or groups. I know it's like a broken record, but sometimes we don't think about it, and then it happens. Even to guys.

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I was at the bar [10 Sep 2006|11:22am]
[ mood | devious ]

I made new friends! Ha, imagine that. I didn't think I had it in me. And I hung out with said new friends last night, and we played Grand Theft Auto and Guitar Hero, went to a diner, then hung out in the Cone Zone. It was pretty interesting. They's cool guys.

In other news... um... yeah. There's not really anything else. Well, I went home for my Mom's birthday on Friday. I painted her this cute picture of a tree frog and fireflies. Then I made her watch Silent Hill when I got home from hanging out with Swede and Mike. Ahahaha. I'm a wonderful daughter.

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Rockabye. [06 Sep 2006|05:18pm]
[ mood | worried ]

I feel so weak and useless. I sit here and cry over my ailment, because they fucking health center doesn't have any GYN openings until the 19th. That's two weeks. Two. Weeks. What's going to happen/change in those 14 days? I don't know. But I'm scared. If only I had insurance, I'd go to a REAL gynecologist, and not have to wait forever to be seen, and given an exam and maybe antibiotics or whatever I need.

I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish I could sleep it off.
I didn't even do anything to warrant whatever this is.

I'm sure it could be nothing. But I freak out over everything, and I start panicing with every little tinge of pain.

Think less of me for bitching and being a big baby over this. I fucking dare you right now.

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Can we begin again? Save it for another friend. [04 Sep 2006|11:56pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I like jumping around in rain puddles.

Ummm yeah. I don't have much more to say for my weekend/life at the moment.

Why I'm even posting this? I have no idea.


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Can you sleep as the sounds hits your ears? [04 Sep 2006|01:44am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Marcolus82: I just read that steve irwin died
PrettyWastedLies: OMG!!!

PrettyWastedLies: OMG the crocodile hunter died!
PrettyWastedLies: he got attacked by a stingray!
JustOrderChinese: ???!!!
PrettyWastedLies: my life has no meaning now.
PrettyWastedLies: this is like second to Mister Rogers dying
JustOrderChinese: sad

RIP Steve Irwin.. as I cry myself to sleep.

In other news of my boring life, I'm attempting the fasting thing again tomorrow and Tuesday, and Andy is doing it also. We're living off random organic-ish juices and smoothies. I've got some cranberry juice (also to ward off a potential UTI that I think is coming on... *cringe*), and a couple Naked juices in my fridge. I'm going to buy some more Odwalla smoothies tomorrow because frankly, I'm addicted. I'm trying to be vegetarian again, and it's working quite well. Granted, I've been realll tempted by Chick-fil-a, and Subway bourbon chicken subs..... oh.. god. But I'm holding up.

I've picked up a new fascination with street stenciling. There's a book I read in Border's about "stencil pirates" that I'm going to buy tomorrow. Maybe I'll get some balls and get arrested for destruction of property. Hoorah!

Don't fall too hard, they say.

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Celebrate the wounds we've come to mend. [03 Sep 2006|02:31am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

I love my friends. Each and every one of them. They the most caring, compassionate, goofy people I know, who would do anything I asked them in a heartbeat.

I saw Little Miss Sunshine today, and it was amazing. I went from laughing, to wanting to cry, back to laughing, in a matter of moments. Also today, I did a little shop therapy to get my mind off things. I ended up with a pair of Seven jeans, a black and grey striped shirt, LONG CAMO SHORTSSSS, a new lime green towel, 2 pink cups for the apartment this summer, Caribou Coffee mocha granola bars, and a dolphin bellybutton ring. All for like $55. I'm pretty excited. And I fasted all day, on smoothies and juice, and then once midnight hit, I was in the Cook-Out drive-thru.... Not my fault it was right beside Wynnsong, taunting me with the thought of cajun fries...

Oh, and one of the previews before LMS was for Running With Scissors, the film based on Augusten Burroughs' memoir. As soon as Marc and I heard the narrator say "My name... is Augusten Burroughs, we grabbed each other in the naughty spots. I can't wait for that to come out. They also have a movie based from Fast Food Nation, and one called The US versus Lennon. All three I'll have to go see.

2 comments|post comment

September never stays this cold [02 Sep 2006|01:51am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

What a fucking shitty night, aside from Sushi with Swede and watching OTS fucking rock. But yeah, everything else was fucking lame. After my plans of hanging out with Woody got squashed, I headed back to Greensboro, alone, to mope and go to bed. But when I got back into Greensboro, I went the wrong way down Lee Street off 40, ending up somewhere out in the ghetto, and then when I tried to get back, I ended up in Trinity. So I get myself back into the ghetto, and call Swede, and tell him my whole night story, and how I was scared and lost, only to realize he fell asleep right after saying hey. I hung up and pulled over on the side of the road and just cried for a bit. Eventually get back, to an empty dorm. And I smell heavily of cigarette smoke and have a pounding headache.

I'm going to go to bed, and maybe sleep until Sunday. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

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Come on, take a step towards me so you can figure me out [31 Aug 2006|07:23pm]
[ mood | content ]

The TV is on a random channel, white noise is blaring, I'm blasting Le Tigre from my myspace page, and I heard a crash. Ahhh, I'm a great babysitter.

Luckily for my sanity and I, Chris let me use him laptop while he and Melissa went to a movie, and I'm stuck here with the crazy ass 2 year old.

Through myspace music, i've concluded Nicholas likes Pete Yorn, Le Tigre, and whatever song is on Woody's profile.

Now I'm screaming Pete Yorn songs all loud and out of key so he might stay happy and not cry. Yay me. I'm glad no one else is here lol.

Mmmm, some nice Scene Aesthetic.

The weather is so sucky today. It's so dark, rainy, and depressing. This isn't helping my or my roommate's moods. I think my trip to William & Mary this weekend will help my mood, and help me chill the hell out, clear my mind.

PS- Toddlers are adorable when they give you hugs and kisses.

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